Loss, Healing, and the Silent Journey through Grief

Warning: This series discusses grief, death, and the loss of loved ones. If you are currently navigating fresh grief or find these topics emotionally difficult, please take your time as you read. Pause when you need to. Breathe when you need to. And remember, you are not alone in your experience.

Loss, the subject we tiptoe around, even though it is something that impacts us to our core, and shapes us in ways we could have never prepared for. Having lost my mom and sister at the age of thirteen, I’ve carried a personal relationship with grief for most of my life. Over the years, I’ve learned that my story isn’t unique or even rare, so many of us share a story of loss. While our stories may differ, we share the hold loss leaves, the void that cannot be filled. It leaves questions, it leaves hurt, and a pain that cannot be explained. And, unfortunately, sometimes, it leaves you asking God why.

Tomorrow would be my sister’s birthday, and for whatever reason, she has been heavy on my heart this year. That’s the thing about loss - you don’t get to choose how healing looks day to day or year to year. Time doesn’t erase grief, but it does teach you how to carry it. Some days you move through life with ease. Other days… well, you still move through life, but the gray cloud and the tears you struggle to hold back.

I almost didn’t write about this because it’s heavy, but there isn’t nearly enough honest conversation about what true healing looks like. I am a believer and I do not believe you can pray grief away. It’s never going to be “okay” that loved ones are gone. It just isn’t. Will you have better days? Yes. Will you cycle back to terrible ones? Also yes. Can prayer help, 100%… I do believe in mindfulness and that is something we will discuss, but a little later in the series.

There is no perfect way to cope with loss either. Some people stay busy, and you might wonder, how are they just back at it? Do they even care? Others fall apart years later, and people whisper, it’s been five years, shouldn’t they be okay by now? Both narratives are unfair. We all process differently. We all mask differently. And masking, by the way, is a very real coping mechanism.

My doctor used to tell me I had “the biggest rug he’d ever seen,” and one day I wouldn’t be able to keep sweeping my feelings under it. He was right. Eventually, I spiraled, and no surprise, the spiral came in the form of depression and anxiety. I felt the overwhelming burden of keeping my family safe. I feared death. I feared losing anyone else to the point of pushing people away or keeping people at a far enough emotional distance that if I lost them it would hurt less. My worry began stealing joy from the things I loved, and it put distance in relationships that I wanted and needed.

There was a time when I didn’t want to take my kids to the park. My mind would race, what if they fall and hit their head? What if they die? I didn’t want to take them to the creek, again, racing thoughts of, what if a snake bites them? What if they die? Vacations became stressful…what if I pick the wrong place and something happens? What if I die and they grow up without a mom, just like I did? What if they die – I couldn’t go on.

My hurt from loss spiraled into fear and anxiety, and fear began stealing my life. Because worrying like that is not living. You are not living and inadvertently you start stealing moments from those who are close to you. And the truth is, if you’re a parent, sometimes you start creating anxiety in your children.

Now, I didn’t let those thoughts stop me entirely. I pushed through (mostly). I even told my kids at the park, “If I’m looking at my phone, it’s not because I’m not watching. It’s because if I watch too closely, I won’t let you be children.” I hated feeling like that parent, but I also hated the idea of my kids not learning to play, learning to fall and get back up, to scrape a knee, to bleed a little, to self‑soothe. These simple things were incredibly hard for me, but I’m learning they are difficult for a lot of people, so let’s talk about it!

I’ve already said we heal differently, and we do. I’ve been healing for twenty‑eight years. I’m not an expert, but I do have a theory about healing, and while everyone is different, if we all come together in a space that is judgement free just maybe we can stop answering the age-old question or how are you with, “ok,” or “fine,” when the answer is really not so great.   Over the next few weeks, I’m going to write about healing and depression, healing and anxiety, and why you shouldn’t blame God. Let’s peel back the surface layer and dig deep. I want to speak directly about healthy healing and learning how to carry your grief differently. I’m not going to ask you to let go of the hurt. I’m not going to ask you to forget about what happened. I am going to ask you to acknowledge your feelings in a way that may be uncomfortable, but I promise you it is so worth it.

I haven’t been consistent about posting every Tuesday, but I will post on this topic each Tuesday. This series is something I’m passionate about, and something that has been heavy on my mind.

For the next seven days, I want you to get a journal and write down your feelings. No one is reading it but you, so let it flow. Be honest with yourself and truly ask yourself where are you in your healing? Where do you want to be? Why do you feel the way you feel? Write about the experience and how it impacted you. (Grab the tissues.) How has loss and grief shaped you?

Next week, we’re starting with healing and depression. I’m writing authentically from my experience so I can share the stages and techniques that helped me. I can share how I masked my pain and how it made everything worse. Your stages may look different than mine and that is ok. Take what you can, apply it how you need to your experience. One thing that is the same for each of us… You can run from pain, but it usually creates more pain somewhere else.

If you have questions about healing, feel free to email me. I’m not a therapist…just a gal with real‑life experience. I do recommend therapy and I want to call out that you may have to go through a few therapists to find YOUR therapist. This is not a one size fits all. It’s ok to break up with a therapist if they’re not right for your healing and growth!

But anyway,

Cara