Disagreements and Discipleship
I’ve been thinking a lot about disagreements lately, and not because I’ve had any recent blow‑ups, just pondering. It’s strange how you can go from being so close with someone to suddenly feeling like you barely know them. This happens with family, friends, adult children, even spouses. Conflict has a way of revealing things we didn’t expect to see.
The question I keep coming back to is…Do people really want to be right? Or do they want to be heard?
I’m convinced it’s the second one. Most of us aren’t fighting for victory, we’re fighting for acknowledgment. We’re emotional beings (yes, all of us), but we express those emotions differently. Some show anger because it feels safer than vulnerability. Some cry, not out of sadness or rage, but because tears are their release. Some shut down completely, building a wall because processing alone feels safer than being exposed.
Every conflict begins with at least two people, two perspectives, two interpretations. And let’s be honest, most disagreements don’t start with, “Hey, when you have a minute, I’d love to sit at the kitchen table and calmly discuss something that is on my mind.” Nope. They start in the moment with raw, unfiltered, unplanned word vomiting. Someone feels something, and it spews out, and most of the time it is not gracefully done. The other person feels attacked or confused. And if those feelings have been bottled up for a while, the moment of confrontation can feel explosive and even unexpected for the person on the receiving end.
But that moment, as messy as it is can be, also reveals character. Not just from the person who speaks up, but from the person who receives it. We’re all entitled to express ourselves. Yes, every action has consequences, but sharing your feelings is not wrong.
Still, communication alone isn’t enough. Grace matters. Understanding matters. Conflict won’t always end with both people seeing eye to eye, but it can strengthen communication, listening, and empathy. It can show that two people can care enough to come together and have a conversation for understanding, not to determine who is right and who is wrong, because feelings are real and they are valid even when delivery can be messy.
Unfortunately, it can also reveal the opposite, and sometimes we’re not prepared to discover that someone close never cared how their actions affected you, or that they aren’t open to conversation at all. Sometimes disagreements cost us relationships. And that’s sad because communication should build and strengthen, not break and weaken. But settling for relationships where you can’t speak freely is its own kind of loss.
I’ve often told myself, “Maybe I should’ve kept my mouth shut so XYZ didn’t happen.” But no. I’ve decided the opposite, maybe I should’ve spoken sooner.
When you speak sooner, you can articulate your feelings before your emotions get the best of you, and you can see sooner who is willing to hold space for you, and who isn’t.
We all have a “care bucket,” and the space, is in ways, limited. If someone isn’t dedicated to the relationship as much as you are, it can begin to weigh you down, but it also doesn’t mean that you lack grace, forgiveness and common decency when they are around. It doesn’t mean you close off communication either, but it can mean that you limit conversation if that is how you protect your peace. If you walk with God, you have a duty and responsibility to put your human side away and remember that we are all of the flesh, so even if you limit conversation also remember to stay open to having a conversation.
As a Christian, unity matters. We’re called to set differences aside, to show grace, to forgive, to remember that we all fall short. Ephesians 4 speaks directly to this, we are to “make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace” (Ephesians 4:3).
Disagreement is expected because we are human. But unity, real unity, requires humility, communication, and grace.
If you haven’t, go read Ephesians 4 (all of it).
But anyway,
Cara